Loneliness

During a wedding several years ago, I heard the officiant tell the couple that now that they were married they wouldn't be lonely ever again.

And while this was a beautiful and romantic sentiment at the time, I knew that it wasn't true.  Just because we are in the company of others doesn't mean that we can't feel alone.

Somewhere there is a blog written well before I was married about how I feel most alone right after a big music performance.  After all the congratulations are given and hugs received I am usually left alone in a gym to clean up the stage.

But yesterday something completely different happened.

We had a big celebration at my school for winning the Blue Ribbon Award.  We're kind of a big deal.

The kindergarten students sang first and, after they finished and were sitting in their seats, I got to go sit next to Micah.  :)  He came to the ceremony!

It was the most wonderful experience to have him with me!  I felt so loved and supported.  It was fabulous to share such an important part of my life with him.  He got to see the students I babble on about day after day and understand why I love them so much.

Then he got to see my middle school choir.  They are an absolutely wonderful group of students who challenge me on a regular basis.  Many tears and successes I have experienced as a teacher are brought forth by my middle school choir.

So, while I know there will be times in life where I feel lonely, yesterday wasn't one of those times!

peace.

honesty

Micah and I vowed for this blog to a be a true testimony to the first year of marriage. I digress often and speak about teaching (which stories from the field fuel many of our late night conversations) and social justice issues (which is also an extension of Christ being alive and whole in us).

And while those are real things happening in our life, it doesn't always touch the heart of what is happening in our life. We have hoped that some day, when we are mentoring married couples, we could point them to the early posts in our blog for insight as to what the first year of marriage is like...

So, here it goes.

I struggle with anxiety and depression. I know I'm not alone, but this is the first time I have had to share this struggle with someone in such an intimate manner. And it is hard to see Micah struggle with my inability to function and think so poorly of myself.

I'm usually OK at work. I see my fuse shortening with the kids sometimes, but-in the end-my job isn't hugely affected by this. Work is typically my place to be free.

But when I get home from work, I let out the dogs and then sit on the couch for hours feeling overwhelmed by the most simple of tasks-walking to the bathroom, doing the dishes, sweeping the floor...and cry.

Then I start to feel worthless because I can't function like a normal human being and stand up to go to the bathroom or spend 15 minutes cleaning dishes. I doubt my abilities and identity in Christ. I feel inadequate.

Typically, these feelings don't start until late November/December, but they started earlier this year. The changes from 10 months ago are astounding and it is understandable to feel so overwhelmed. While I absolutely adore being married, it is a huge life change. It is a huge stressor.

So I have to share these ugly, ugly parts of myself with a man who loves me to pieces. And it breaks his heart to me so broken.

Sometimes the gravity of his love and the brevity of my self-worth collide into this beautiful mess of redemption and purpose to help me better understand what God is doing in our life.

The final part of being honest is something fairly open ended because, you see, I haven't fully comprehended it.

I went to my gynecologist Thursday and she believes I may have had an early term miscarriage. It is only a theory for what is potentially going on with my uterus, but it is a bit jarring none the less. In the past 72 hours I have gone from being unaffected by this news because I didn't even know I was pregnant to feeling guilty for drinking beer/taking anti-depressants and feeling responsible to being annoyed with my doctor for telling me something so casually and back again. I haven't cried and mourned, but I have felt sad.

Luckily it happened on fall break and Micah I have spent most of the weekend in bed relaxing. Which is the best medicine a girl could ask for.

So, anyway, that's where we are...I started taking Paxil 2 weeks ago and it seems to be helping a bit.

I guess all I really have to say is that I'm happy Micah is a strong man who loves me so I don't have to do life alone.

peace.

It's 4:54 AM and I've been up for an hour...

It's really just a matter of perspective, but it is either very late or very early. I woke up about an hour ago. And fought the alertness I was experiencing, but in the end I decided I could either lie in bed miserably or do a few things while I was unwillingly awake. My hope is that I'll go back to bed in a bit and actually sleep past 6:30.

So, for now, I'm up...and I don't want to make too much of a racket so cleaning is out...

I also happened to not only marry Micah, but all of his stereo equipment. As a musician I have to say, it pretty much rocks to be able to listen to music on an amazing system. Sometimes I struggle with having nice things and this is applies to our stereo as well...but most of the time I am just happy he bought it before me and before he was a Christian.

So, there you have it, one of my dark sides. While I am sad Micah lived without Christ for parts of his life, we both agree that we couldn't justify spending major bucks on stereo equipment at this point in time of our lives.

I have heard several times that most common fights in a marriage surround money and sex. This will be about the the first...

We are currently living in a 912 square foot home I bought when I thought God was calling me into singleness. It was perfect for me. It is not perfect for me, a husband, and his stereo system. My original thought in buying the house was that it would help me continue on the path of living simply and not acquiring too much "stuff." Micah and I keep getting rid of said "stuff." If you go to the Goodwill on Keystone, more than likely you will walk away with something from this house.

We also love to cook. And the kitchen in this house is just bizarre. Plus I'm pretty sure the cabinets are the originals from 1954. I broke a drawer. I don't know how to replace it.

And the basement flooded...with sewage. We lost our entire book library, Micah's cd and dvd collection, and my American Girl doll collection in addition to all but 10 pictures of me from birth until age 20.

This house isn't leaving our possession any time soon.

When we created our initial budget, it looked like we could live off one salary. SCORE! We planned on buying another house and (hopefully) renting this one...but we weren't too concerned since I could afford this house on a single salary and we weren't planning on spending a ton on a new place being that we like living in the 'hood.

But after much speculation and fleshing out of the budget, we have decided that owning two homes is not possible if we desire to pursue the gifts and callings God has given us. (Plus I read that the housing market crash is not totally from people buying homes they can't afford, but it was also added to by all the people who bought and additional home or two because the market was down-with the plans of flipping or renting-and cannot carry the cost of their additional homes...)

So, instead, we are staying here. Doing our best to get rid of stuff. Maintaining the house. Putting in a one way valve in the basement to (hopefully) prevent another sewage strike. Making this kitchen as workable as possible. Creating a lifestyle that utilizes all the items that have been bestowed upon us so that we don't need storage. Or much at least. Which is good because this house has 2 closets. Micah hangs his shirts from the curtain rod in our bedroom.

This gives us freedom! We are not in bondage to mortgages or debt. Instead we are able to pursue the course we believe God has provided...we will be able to front all monies for adoption in a few years, Micah will be able to start his photography business well before we have children, we are able to travel to visit our friends in Turkey, our family in California, and be the hands and feet of Jesus in very tangible ways. We are able to put money towards retirement not to galavant, but to relocate...right now we toy with the idea of starting an orphanage in Africa in retirement. But that is quite a ways away.

Living below our "means" is freeing. It allows God to speak to us, guide us, and point us in the direction of how to distribute the funds He has graciously given to us.

And while we have plans that we believe God has laid, we also understand that-in the end-none of this is ours. It has been given to us so that we may bring Him glory.

peace.

just because I feel like it...

Micah is currently gone. Not a forever kind of gone, but just for a few hours kind of gone. We rarely have these moments without him being at work. So it feels kind of odd to know he isn't at work while I type this. Instead he is off living the dream and taking pictures of a band for upcoming promotional materials. Or something like that. All I know is that my friend Erin is a really stinking great musician. And she loves Jesus. And her music isn't hokey. (At least what I have heard.)

So, I'm home right now. I feel pretty icky on lots of levels. There is the physical level of having some kind of cold or allergies or combination. There is an emotional level of processing the anxiety I have been feeling as of late. And then there is exhaustion which comes from the combining of both.

Micah and I just celebrated our 9 months of being together and today marks 3 months of being married. We were traveling to an Indiana reception for the the Fingers last night with some old college folk when they asked us how we met and such. And right now, I'm procrastinating cleaning the floors and going to Target, so I thought I would just share a bit.

Micah was my first dance ever, and I was his, back in the 7th grade. Good ol' 1994. True to middle school, we didn't talk much afterwards...even though we were both band geeks and involved in all those fun activities together for the next 6 years. In high school, I always noticed his variety in hair color and he always noticed that I talked a ton. He also thought I was super cute. :)

We didn't talk at all after he graduated in 1999.

Last November he "friended" me on facebook. I noticed he was a libertarian, so I made a comment about it. Being excited, he thought I was one as well, but didn't lose hope on me when he discovered that I am strong encourager of the redistribution of wealth and aiding foreign nations.

We saw each other for the first time December 23, 2008. We talked until 6 a.m., went to church the next night, drove around town looking at Christmas lights, and hung out until 4 a.m. We then had a big discussion via online and the phone about our life's expectations, God, finances, and adoption. We discovered we were compatible, hung out for New Year's, started dating and met each other's parents the next day, and then got engaged on February 15th. (It is important to Micah that we didn't get engaged on Valentine's day.)

While it feels like we have known each other our whole life and is so clear that this is ordained by God, we are continuously reminded that we don't know each other completely.

But we are excited to get to know each other in the days to come.

peace.

Autism vs. AIDS

After a little backstory, you will read a most amazing conversation that happened in my class today.

One of the boys from 103/104 is coming to kindergarten music once a week with room 102. Today I had 102 without J. I asked the kids how having J in class went and if they had any questions. Most of the kids really liked having him there and getting to help him be a great student. Though one child had a question. E asked, "Why does he make faces and noises?" This was what happened after that:

Me: He does that because he has autism.
E: What is autism?
Me: (to the class) When most of you have thoughts you can say them out loud. J has tons of thoughts in his head, but he doesn't know how to share them. Remember how he kept shushing me when I would sing? I think he was trying to tell me that he wanted to listen to the cd, but didn't know how to say it.

(JC raises his hand)
JC: Is autism a disease?
Me: I think it's a disorder...
JC: Oh, never mind, I was thinking of AIDS.


It is the first time I have ever laughed because of AIDS and I'm sure it will probably be the last. But seriously? A 6 year old...

When I told JC's mom what he said, her response was, "No more NPR in the car..."

peace.

PS I am going to go through and change all the kids names in previous posts for privacy reasons. If a child strikes you and you want to pray for that child, let me know and I can pass on the prayer needs...but other than that I need to respect the privacy of others...