struggle

I think about the times I have really struggled in my life-the abuse I inflicted on my body as a teenager, the ups and downs of family, and the questions of where my next meal would come from through my early twenties. I am thankful for the refining and faithfulness of God in these moments.

And now, as I sit on my prep and small children go by yelling greetings into my classroom (the latest was a "Hi baby!" from one of my children with autism), I think about being married and what a blessing that truly is. How I never expected to have another person who is committed to being by my side for the rest of his life...how wonderful it is to have the dishes done when he walks in the door from work...and how great it is to have 30 minutes in bed together at the start of each day. I love being married.

But right now, I'm struggling. I'm struggling with decisions I made before I was married. I'm struggling with understanding how to look for the future and be a good steward at the same time. I'm struggling with allotting funds to things that "might" happen while there are needs to be met in my classroom every day. I'm struggling to look like Jesus as a young, well-off, white, American woman.

And it's hard.

But Micah and I are in this together. And we have a common vision. To love the orphans and widows and live as Christ.

Yesterday J was sitting in the hall way across from my classroom. J is a kindergarten child with autism. He can be violent and has the mouth of a sailor at 5. (In fact, one of the boys who is "non-verbal" walked up to me the other day and said, "What the hell you doin'?"...ahh, his first words and he learned them from Jay-Anthony.) I don't see this in J. He has always been perfect for me. But anyway, yesterday, he was sitting in the hall across from my classroom while I lined up room 107. When I walked to the door, he looked at me with a big smile on his face and started to sing, "Line up, line up everybody go to line..."

And those are the moments I cling to in struggle.

peace.