honesty

Micah and I vowed for this blog to a be a true testimony to the first year of marriage. I digress often and speak about teaching (which stories from the field fuel many of our late night conversations) and social justice issues (which is also an extension of Christ being alive and whole in us).

And while those are real things happening in our life, it doesn't always touch the heart of what is happening in our life. We have hoped that some day, when we are mentoring married couples, we could point them to the early posts in our blog for insight as to what the first year of marriage is like...

So, here it goes.

I struggle with anxiety and depression. I know I'm not alone, but this is the first time I have had to share this struggle with someone in such an intimate manner. And it is hard to see Micah struggle with my inability to function and think so poorly of myself.

I'm usually OK at work. I see my fuse shortening with the kids sometimes, but-in the end-my job isn't hugely affected by this. Work is typically my place to be free.

But when I get home from work, I let out the dogs and then sit on the couch for hours feeling overwhelmed by the most simple of tasks-walking to the bathroom, doing the dishes, sweeping the floor...and cry.

Then I start to feel worthless because I can't function like a normal human being and stand up to go to the bathroom or spend 15 minutes cleaning dishes. I doubt my abilities and identity in Christ. I feel inadequate.

Typically, these feelings don't start until late November/December, but they started earlier this year. The changes from 10 months ago are astounding and it is understandable to feel so overwhelmed. While I absolutely adore being married, it is a huge life change. It is a huge stressor.

So I have to share these ugly, ugly parts of myself with a man who loves me to pieces. And it breaks his heart to me so broken.

Sometimes the gravity of his love and the brevity of my self-worth collide into this beautiful mess of redemption and purpose to help me better understand what God is doing in our life.

The final part of being honest is something fairly open ended because, you see, I haven't fully comprehended it.

I went to my gynecologist Thursday and she believes I may have had an early term miscarriage. It is only a theory for what is potentially going on with my uterus, but it is a bit jarring none the less. In the past 72 hours I have gone from being unaffected by this news because I didn't even know I was pregnant to feeling guilty for drinking beer/taking anti-depressants and feeling responsible to being annoyed with my doctor for telling me something so casually and back again. I haven't cried and mourned, but I have felt sad.

Luckily it happened on fall break and Micah I have spent most of the weekend in bed relaxing. Which is the best medicine a girl could ask for.

So, anyway, that's where we are...I started taking Paxil 2 weeks ago and it seems to be helping a bit.

I guess all I really have to say is that I'm happy Micah is a strong man who loves me so I don't have to do life alone.

peace.