Staggering through suffering

I have a friend who was on an anti-depressant about a year ago. She was really struggling with taking the medication because she felt it helped her escape suffering. She felt like God wants us to see injustice, carry the cross, and experience the suffering of those around us.

I agree with her.

I have been seeing a counselor for depression and anxiety off and on (mostly off) since 4th grade. (That's since 1991.) I have been on medication off and on since 2001. For the first time I am completely at peace with taking medicine-for lots of reasons.

One of those reasons was revealed to me this morning. I was driving to meet with another dear friend for coffee at 6:30 this morning and thinking about the past few days of life and if there was anything significant that I had noticed God doing. I thought about what I had accomplished in the past days (not very much) and realized that while I hadn't checked lots off the to-do list, I had done a lot of things I typically love to do.

And I wondered what had changed in life to make me-all of the sudden-desire to read articles about injustice, fight the government, and watch documentaries...and came to the realization that suffering wasn't all about me anymore.

I wasn't so preoccupied and overwhelmed by my suffering so I could share in the suffering of others. I wasn't miserable and feeling like a failure. Instead I was feeling close to God and empowered to fight the good fight...to seek out justice and truth and be a part of ushering the Kingdom that is already here into the lives of those not recognizing it.

And it feels good...I feel like God has given me my life back...that He has explained to me that struggling with depression and anxiety has given me opportunities to share in suffering with others, but He has provided relief. That it isn't a punishment that my serotonin levels aren't quite what they are supposed to be...instead these experiences will be used for His glory.

I feel like God is shaping me into the mother I am supposed to be. A mother that teachers her child-someday children-about injustice and loving others, about being the hands and feet of Christ, about using our voices to tear down walls and build up the people.

And it feels good...and peaceful.