i am typing this with campbell in the crook of my left arm. she is babbling, discovering her hands (by putting them obsessively into her mouth), and occasionally throwing a fit. her temp. has been 99.7 the past 24 hours, so not on the definite fever side, but still higher than normal. i'm just waiting for the tylenol to do its thang.
i ran across my old blog yesterday. my first thought when reading some of the entries was, "i used to be so interesting!" there was something very sobering about that being my initial reaction. why don't i feel interesting anymore? i'm essentially the same person i was...though my packaging is slightly different than it used to be. having a baby changes your body quite a bit.
i used to be so connected. and i miss it. i used to spend hours pouring over music on itunes and at luna and the library. i knew the indie underground. i went to concerts. i had opinions, and most importantly i could support those opinions.
i knew what was going on in east africa. i read the bbc news website. i listened to npr. i was an advocate and strove to give the voiceless a voice. i dreamt of having a little rainbow family.
i went to the y and out to coffee with friends. i went to my students' performances outside of school.
i found great joy in trying to live as minimally as possible. i pined for Jesus to tell me to sell everything so i could follow him. i wanted to quit my job and live in a pop up trailer so i could travel and love people like Jesus. i was so connected to my faith.
now all i hear from God is "I miss you."
i really want to finish this post with something sweet like: but with my sweet girl sleeping in the crook of my left arm i wouldn't trade this for anything.
but it's not true. i love micah and firmly believe he is the most amazing gift from God. i love my daughter, she's amazing. but i miss being connected to the Lord. i miss being advocate. i miss having conversations with people and being passionate.
but i am grateful for this little life. i miss the life i was living in my old blog, but i am still thankful. my hope is just that i become interesting again.
peace.
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4 comments:
it took me a few years, but I think I'm getting my own voice back - keep the hope alive and God will make you interesting again :)
Oh girl... I'm right there with ya. Straight up. And a HUGE part of me has really resisted "mommies group" because I'm terrified of becoming even less of the person I used to be... I just don't want to become one of those women who is incapable of having a conversation about anything other than her children and their latest interests.
Isn't it possible to be a mom and have other interests? I think so... but sometimes it seems like I'm expected not to.
The joys and demands of motherhood can be quite conflicting especially when you've had a prior life and career. Just know from a now grandmother, you will emerge the woman God made you -- caring, creative, passionate, and yes, an advocate. It may come in different ways than your past life . . . but it is there; and always, God and your family will be at your side cheering you on!
Carter, I'm right there with you. But, the good news is, that it must be having a newborn because I think I was interesting before I was pregnant and tired with Graham. So, we have hope. We just need a little sleep, a little time to spare, and a little less hormones!!! It will happen.
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